Birthdays stink

It's my birthday today.

There's nothing like a birthday to remind you of the things that aren't right in your life. At the moment I'm spending five days a week away from my kids in a job I really don't like, and getting no where financially because the shift composition is impractical. I feel like working 'full time' (days, not hours) is hindering my ability to forge any kind of social life for me or the kids, and so stopping me from feeling at home. I haven't made any friends, except for some cool people at work. So today is my birthday and I feel so lonely and caged in. No cash, no mates, no play dates.

I know I'm a nice guy. I treat people with respect and I always endeavor to put out positive energy. But things like spending your birthday alone with no plans, no phone calls, no cards... well they make you feel pretty shitty. I must be going wrong somewhere. Am I a shitty person? I'm not sure.


Bah humbug.

The end of the road

Things have changed drastically since my last post.

We've moved! Packed up and left Brisbane for a sea change. The last few months have been tricky with the man of the house living in a room above a pub in Nambour. There was a lot to do before we could follow, and nearly six months later we're finally a family unit again. We've rented out our home and moved into a little box in suburbia. We were lucky enough to be put up in a hotel across from the beach in Maroochydore for two weeks- adding a slice of awesome on the sandwich that is my life.

Anyway, all of this change has meant my sweet little baby hasn't had a chance to settle into a decent routine at all, and sleep is still a mysterious concept to him. Today I started a new job, and being so totally wrecked All the time I've decided to just give him formula. Today's the beginning of the end of my last ever drive down Breast Feeding Road. I'm feeling guilty and stressed about the issue, which was exacerbated when Bodhi came home from daycare and vommed across the dining room. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.

Speaking of wrong things; I went a tiny bit too fast in my car this evening. I was rushing to make daycare pick up before closing time and, well, *sirens* *sobs*.

That's what's happening here. And how are you?

Axel

It's been a long time since I wrote this post to my main man Axel. A lot has happened since then; he has turned four and become a big brother to Bodhi. He has gotten smarter and sharper and his wit astounds me daily. So here are a few things to get down in writing for him.

• You are already very much a pain in Bodhi's butt. You pick on him even though he's 6 months old and defenseless! I expected nothing less, but every now and then I'll catch a peak of you doing something incredibly loving towards him when you think no one's watching and my heart explodes.
• Recently you've started having nightmares, as the child health nurse warned many 4 year olds do. As a result I've had to make your dad stop letting you watch inappropriate movies. Turns out that's something the two of you do whenever I'm not around. Goodfellas and Scarface are just not age appropriate okay!? The other day he showed you a youtube clip of an elevator prank where they filmed people being frightened by a ghostly girl and a corpse falling out of a coffin. You haven't gotten over it yet, I hope you do soon.
• On the upside you are becoming quite the movies and music buff. I'm constantly trying to impart a little bit of decent media onto you in the hopes you'll have more of my tastes and less of your daggy father's. You can still belt out an impressive rendition of Bow River, thanks to dad. 
• It is impossible to get you to clean your room, but I have put my hopes in a new roster system. Do a chore or good deed and you get a star. 10 stars equal a new car. We'll see...
• You are a beautiful big boy, and despite giving me hell 95% of the time, you are sweeter than honey. I love you to bits.
• I still have to wipe your bum. It's for the best really.

I freaking love daycare days

Today I have indulged in one of my guiltiest of pleasures. No, it's not half a bottle of red (ask me later on this evening though) or even a sneaky serve of KFC chips with extra seasoning...

I sent my 4 year old off to daycare for no reason at all except to give myself a break. Because I'm working part time at the moment, day to day life has become a juggling act on a tight rope with a ball balancing on my head. My kids go to daycare when I work and spend the days tearing the house apart when I'm at home, so even though he didn't really want to go and I didn't have any legitimate reasons to send him, he is the care of Miss Kim today.

So what should I do?! I could nap while the baby naps, or get the laundry done, or prep a nice dinner, or watch a movie... eeeeek quick enjoy the day!

Bodhi's Birth Story - long stuff

September last year I was blessed with this guy.

 

He has kept me solidly busy. He's pretty spesh. Bodhi was the healing birth experience I didn't know I needed. The pregnancy was long and uncomfortable, rendering me physically pretty useless by the end thanks to Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. I was friggin huge, man! This is a 37 week bump shot. I have later ones that are significantly bigger, but they are far too gruesome and I am far too vain.

 

By 38 weeks I began to panic, not about his size but about the circumstances of Axel's birth that led to emergency resuscitation and a stay in neonatal intensive care. I laboured for over 24 hours with Axel and didn't get to have that special 'slimy baby on your chest' moment that looked so awesome in the youtube videos I'd become addicted to. In fact the whole thing was quite terrifying, and the interventions were so preventable had I known anything at all about giving birth. This time I was armed to the teeth with knowledge, and the only thing that would threaten my desired experience would be if Bodhi chose to poo in my tummy like his big brother.

In short, I was panicking about over-cooking the baby.

I voiced my concerns with my lovely midwife Alexis, and she agreed to start giving me sweeps when ever I wanted. We started at 38+5 days. Sweeps, if you don't know, suck. They are the uncomfortable experience of having a grown adult put their hand up your jay-jay to reach your cervix. I had three.

I woke up to contractions at 2am on Tuesday September 4. Because I was induced with my first baby I never got to experience that build up of pre-labour, so I was pretty nuts with excitement. I laid awake playing with a contraction timer ap literally all morning. Stupid move considering what was ahead. The contractions fizzled out when I got up for the day at 6am and I was slightly disappointed. Okay I was wildly pissed off. 

That night they reappeared and knowing not to get ahead of myself I tried to sleep. Although they were enough to keep me awake, Wednesday morning they seemed to have petered out again so I got up to face another day of being cranky and fat. I soon realized if I kept physically moving they would build up to really decent active contractions. If I sat down at all they would stretch out much longer, but would still be really powerful suggesting active labour might establish. I got a bit crazy here, marching up and down our steep driveway for hours. I knew I needed to preserve energy but I was too excited to be on the verge of meeting my son!

By 6pm I called Rick and demanded he come home and support me. Axel stayed hiding in the shadows from this point on. All I could do to manage the pain was to walk, rock, sway, dance or stomp. If I sat down at any point the contractions would slow, but become much more intense. It felt like sitting caused two or three contractions to combine into a really arse-kicking big contraction. The same thing happened in the bath, meaning no relief there either. 

By about 10:30 I was beginning to fear I couldn't cope. I called my midwife and relayed my fears that I'd come in to get examined and she'd tell me I had barely progressed and I'd be so disheartened I'd lose control and that would be the end of naturally labouring. I made the decision to come in anyway. 

Driving into the hospital was excruciating, sitting back was possibly the closest I'll ever know to absolute torture. Even while it was happening though, I couldn't help but smile at the whole thing. It was happening, and it was happening naturally! Rick was driving like a bat out of hell and we were bickering over him taking the LONG route to his brother's to drop off Axel. When we got to his brother's everyone there was excited and wanted to talk to me about it.. uh no, let's go!

When we got to the hospital my midwife hadn't arrived yet, so we were shown to the suite and I was told to lie down for an examination while Rick went to park the car. I told this unknown woman to bugger off - I had a plan thank you and she was not part of it and I would not be opening my legs to her so off you go. She scurried out of there and I was alone for a little while. It was a really nice moment of suspension. Some time after Rick came back and Alexis arrived with a student midwife who's name I forget. I assumed Alexis would want to examine me but she didn't bring it up. I don't know if it was because I asked for minimal interference on my birth plan or because of what I told her on the phone, but it was awesome not to be examined at all. I assumed I wouldn't have a choice.

I was left to continue labouring using my own skill set- stomping and yelling. At some point I asked to try the gas only to immediately get nauseous and decide it was terrible. Alexis sat on a chair and occasionally called out a suggestion to get in the tub or something encouraging. The student midwife used a doppler to check the baby's heart beat intermittently, but that was the only physical contact they had with me. It was just what I needed. At around midnight I started to get tired and was ordered into the tub to rest. It meant the same intensely strong spaced out contractions, but I managed to get a few minutes sleep in between. After some unknown time I got out of the tub and literally chucked a tantrum - I got up, yelled that I didn't want to do this any more and ran from one side of the (huge) birth suite to the other! It must have looked hilarious. Rick and the student midwife were shocked but Alexis just smiled and told me to sit on the toilet. Sure enough I did and my waters exploded - transition!

Not long after that I had the purple line on my backside to indicate I was fully dilated, and jumped in the shower to birth this guy. Again I was left alone with a mirror (at my request, gross but encouraging) and I managed to do the job in 15 minutes. Rick was in a state of shock and awe and only caught the very end of the action with his camera. The whole thing was awesome.

 

 

Simply awesome. 

Bodhi Rick, born 1:45am September 6

9lb 2oz of cute

 

 

My Space

Have you ever tried to trace your internet footprint?

I'm 25, so I'm right up in that Gen Y biz. I started my first blog in year 12, and while I have no idea how to find it, it did have a really great header that I found on google images and doctored to say 'Fat Amy'. That blog got me into a bit of trouble when a teacher I had criticized found it and used it against me.

I have started and lost several more blogs over the last eight years. I rode the myspace wave baby, and it was pretty great. Tonight I finally figured out my myspace login and read over posts from nineteen-to-twenty-year-old me. Those were pretty tumultuous times in my life. I fell out of love with my highschool sweetheart, finished uni, met my now-husband and fell pregnant by complete surprise with my eldest son. The world looked so different to me then, and it is equal parts painful and enthralling to read what I was thinking.

So on that note I am kick-starting this stale old thing once again. Every time I log in I sing out a big woohoo, I'm back, I missed you! then I don't log back in for months. Whatever, I don't care, this is my space mate. But I do know that I will appreciate it if I figure out my password in a few years time and get to see what I was thinking when my second born was a few months old.

I'll fill you in on him tomorrow, bloggy. MWAH

Kabloom!

Hello internet! I have been AWOL lately thanks to some idiot driving a stolen car into a power pole in my street causing a massive power surge sent to destroy my home appliances. Seriously, crazy! I woke up at 2am a fortnight ago to the fan spinning wildly, lights popping, power points sizzling.. scary stuff. It meant to end to several important members of my family; computer *sob*, tv *sniff*, surround sound etc. It also burned out the cable internet.

She's back though.

I have all this stuff to share, but my mind is a mess. I have been working my metaphorical arse off this week, and will be up in a few hours to open the shop tomorrow. So I'll catch up on my precious internet after that.

Peace out x